Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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