On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
