i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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