my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
