Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
