we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
