Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
