He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
