i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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