make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
