I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
