I feel great
I just peed on a car
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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