I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
