I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
