just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
