So drunk its hurt
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
