After last night, I could never be a politician.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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