I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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