I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
