The maid of honor just puked.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
