I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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