Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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