Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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