I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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