You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
