sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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