so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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