did you get engaged???
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
