two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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