is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
