so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
