I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
