Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
