You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
