My liver just broke up with me...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
