smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
