I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
