I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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