That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
