Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
