Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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