maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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