Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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