There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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