Just mADE A PArabola og urine
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
