i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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