I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
