My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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