If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
