Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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