Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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